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Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Update on Life

Life is crazy right now. Like really crazy. We moved into our house that we've been renovating for the past 6 months. Even though we are in we still have workers at the house daily. Our dogs are still at my parents because Stella is not the friendliest of dogs with people she doesn't know. I'm ready to have my girls back in the house. I miss them. 

Oh and I'm 14 weeks pregnant. You may be thinking ummm how is that possible? Well 2 weeks after my D&C with Hadley, I got pregnant again. Yep. You heard that right. The 1-5% chance of naturally getting pregnant ain't got nothing on God. I still don't understand why we had to go through losing Hadley, but we did, and are stronger because of it.

Believe me, I was just as surprised as you. I stared at that test, hands shaking, with tears in my eyes thinking "here we go again. I cannot do another loss."
I went in for blood work and again, levels were low. Again. I prepared to lose our baby. I was just starting to heal from the 10 weeks of hell of low levels, slow heartbeat, and measuring behind at every sono, to seeing that our sweet baby girl was gone. I couldn't do it again. But every appointment we went to, levels were great, baby measured wonderfully, and it's heartbeat was strong.

I still couldn't allow myself to think this was happening. I couldn't allow myself to fall in love with another sweet baby that I may never meet. Even as I watched my belly grow I couldn't open up. 

We met with our MFM (maternal fetal medicine) doctor for our first trimester screening. With our history of loss and trisomy and also Pierre Robin with Raegan having early testing is important to make sure that our baby is healthy and we are doing everything we can to sustain the pregnancy.

They looked over our sweet baby and everything looked fine physically. They even gave us a prediction if we were having a girl or boy. (keep reading, I promise I won't leave you hanging). They took my blood and said they'd have the results within 2 weeks. This test would test for down syndrome, trisomy 13, 18, 21, and also for any chromosomal deletions. To be clear, no matter the results, this was our baby. There was never talk of termination. Our reasoning for testing was to prepare. To make sure we would be at a hospital that could handle if anything were wrong and have a NICU that was top notch. After having Raegan's surprise Pierre Robin diagnosis, NICU stay, hospital transfer, etc, we decided that we would be prepared for every pregnancy after. I needed that. We needed that.

Yesterday (Valentine's Day) I got a call from our nurse. She said she had amazing news that all the results came back negative. No deletions of chromosomes. Perfect sweet little baby boy.
I for sure thought we were having another girl, but Kyle's dream of having 2 boys close in age (they'll be 18 months apart) came true. Raegan is pretty excited about still being the queen bee.

We will continue seeing my MFM to monitor the baby's chin for Pierre Robin along with my fluid levels. I had normal to high levels of fluid with Raegan and Hudson. She also saw a funky spot on my placenta that she wants to watch. More on that after my next sono to confirm if it's something we should be worried about.

So for today, I am rejoicing in the sweet miracle growing inside of me. I still can't believe it's actually happening. Sometimes I feel like a fraud though. Infertility is no joke. We have been through the ringer, but then this happened. We got pregnant. Naturally. I have been pregnant 3 times naturally. We have lost 2 of those pregnancies. I still can't understand why we have been given this gift. Why us? It's a question I may never be able to answer, but I am so thankful. So thankful for this baby.

We can't wait to hold him and cry over him because you better believe I will be crying over him. Crying tears of healing and thankfulness.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Update on Raegan Phair

I've spent a lot of posts updating everyone on Hudson every month and it's time to an update on our sweet Raegan Phair.

She is 2.5 years old. How is she almost turning 3?! I just can't believe it. She's so independent and is so smart. She remembers EVERYTHING! No seriously. Something could have happened months ago (like mommy screaming when she saw a spider and then tried to kill it, but I failed and screamed some more) and she will talk about it when you mention spider and how scared mommy was. So just be careful what you say around her because she will remember!

Oh and watching her with Hudson just melts my heart. She gives him the sweetest hugs and they love to wrestle. Then the next second she's saying "No Bubba!" and running away with the toy he's trying to take from her. Hudson loves to go in and wake her up in the morning. I put him in her crib and he crawls on top of her and just loves on her. You'd think when she woke up she'd be cranky that he was in there, but she wraps her little arms around him, and hugs him right back. Be still my heart.

Alright, back to sweet Rae. As many of you know she was born with Pierre Robin Sequence. You can read more about what that is here. She had her cleft palate repaired when she was 9 months old. We see her surgical team once a year just to "check in" on her. This past November we went in for check up and lots of things came to our attention. I've noticed that her speech was falling behind. They sent us for a speech, feeding, and OT evaluation. After the evaluations, they concluded that she does in fact need speech and feeding therapy. She struggles with eating. It is a fight most of the time trying to get her to eat. Having a small jaw makes it tough for her to chew for long periods of time without getting tired. Her speech is behind because she she has mild hearing loss. Children with Pierre Robin are prone to ear infections and they are also have small ear canals which results in fluid sitting in the ear canals. They said it's like she's walking around with ear plugs in. She isn't hearing the way she needs to to be able to learn to speak correctly. 

They have recommended another set of tubes (hers have fallen out since they placed them at 9 months) and they also are recommending taking out her tonsils. The ENT said they are huge and attributing to her snoring and gasping at night. She had 2 sleep studies done when she was 3 and 4 months old that showed she had obstructive sleep apnea. (normal for a Pierre Robin child). They want to do another sleep study to show that she still has it and taking the tonsils is necessary.

So right now we are trying to get the sleep study scheduled (they can't fit us in until March 12 and that just won't do). Once that is done then we can schedule her tubes and tonsils. Another surgery. I'm sure it won't be her last. It's so hard for me sometimes because I look her and I don't see everything the doctors see. I see my sweet, precious baby girl. There's nothing wrong with her. She doesn't need surgery, but she does. She needs surgery. She needs therapy and will probably up into elementary school. I hate seeing her struggle with communicating. She knows exactly what she's trying to say, but when I don't understand her she gets frustrated. It breaks my heart.

But for now, I choose to be thankful. Thankful that her PRS (Pierre Robin Sequence) is not involved with another syndrome. Just a random happening. I'm thankful that she is thriving and just needs a little help in a few areas. Oh and we just got the news that insurance approved her therapy to be done in home! This is huge! Children who have therapy done in the home tend to do better because they are practicing all of these concepts in their home where they are comfortable. This also helps with Hudson as well because the only time they could fit us in twice a week was during his nap. So now he can nap while they do therapy in the play room.

Now if we can just get moved into our house, get the surgery done, then we can get started with therapy. That's not too much to ask right? Phew!

Now a photo dump of my sweet girl because I just can't get enough of her cheeks. Can you?







































Thursday, December 8, 2016

Hadley Elizabeth

I apologize in advance for the ramblings of this post. I am trying to process the 2nd worst day of my life.

We have 4 children.

Something that we always wanted. We wanted to have 4 kids. Little did we know that we would have 2 on earth and 2 in Heaven. A heavy burden I would never wish on anyone.

For those who do not know, we had a loss in July 2013 before getting pregnant with Raegan. I was about 6 weeks along. After that loss our RE said that the embryo was probably unhealthy because of Kyle's diagnosis (story here), which is why IVF was our next step for our family. Fast forward to 2016. We have our beautiful babies from IVF, Raegan (2) and Hudson (9 months).

Then about 6 weeks ago Kyle and I were shocked with a positive pregnancy test. A naturally conceived pregnancy. I am never late. EVER. I knew I was pregnant. I had been feeling off so I took a test on Monday, September 18. It was negative. I don't know why I took a test. I know our chances of naturally conceiving were low, but I just couldn't shake the feeling. Well by Wednesday I was still feeling off and when I took it this time it was positive.

I was shocked. I went in for blood work and got the results back the next day. The levels were low so my doctor said to prepare for a miscarriage. We continued doing more blood work and the numbers continued to grow much to his surprise so we started getting excited that this might actually happen.

Our first sono showed a gestational sac and I was measuring 2 weeks behind where they thought I was. They weren't worried since this was a naturally conceived pregnancy. Maybe I just ovulated late. So we drew blood again. Blood work came back fine so we waited 2 more weeks for the next sono.

At this sono the baby had grown but the heart rate was low. They had me wait one more week for another sono. Unfortunately at that sono, our sweet precious baby was gone. They could see that my body was starting to try and get rid of the baby. A D&C was scheduled. With this being my 2nd loss it is time to find out why. Our first loss happened naturally so they were unable to send the tissue (I hate calling it that, it's my baby) to pathology.

I need to know. I want to know. Why do I continue losing these precious babies when they are naturally conceived, but can carry my IVF babies perfectly fine?

I knew not to get excited. I knew not to plan for this baby. I knew not to think of names. I knew not to plan what room they would be in in our new house. I couldn't help it though. This isn't just a lost pregnancy.

It's the loss of a part of our family. It's a loss of Hudson and Raegan's little sister. Even in the 10 short weeks that she was a part of our lives she made a huge impact. We weren't planning on getting pregnant. We didn't plan to do another IVF transfer until late 2017, but now I can't imagine life without her.

When I woke up on Friday the day of our D&C my Timehop ever so sweetly reminded me that 3 years ago that day we were having our egg retrieval for Raegan's IVF cycle.
Oh the cruel ironic of infertility.

I had received a box of Milestone pregnancy and newborn cards to document our sweet baby's life while she grew in my belly. I was looking through them this morning and came across the "Welcome home little one". I thought I'd be using this card at the end of my pregnancy, not the beginning, but never the less, I find comfort in knowing that Jesus is the one who is saying,
"welcome home little one" to our sweet, Hadley Elizabeth.
We love you sweet girl. Give your big brother a hug for us and we will see you soon.

Friday, December 2, 2016

Hudson {8 months}





Well Hudson turns 9 months tomorrow, so no better time to post his 8 month update right?

Stats
weight: 20 pounds

Sleep
He's still up 2-3 times a night. We are struggling with him peeing out of diaper. I've tried using overnights. I've tried sizing up in the overnights. Nothing works! If I don't change him at least once during the night he will wake up soaked. It's such a pain. I'm hoping we can find a solution soon! He's still nursing at night. I've accepted it. I know it's hard getting up in the middle of the night, but it won't last forever. He loves to nurse. I love to nurse him. If he could just throw me a bone and sleep past 6am then we'd be good!

Eat
He loves food. Bottom line. He will eat anything I give him, which shows in his 2 pound gain in 2 months. He's 6 pounds shy of Raegan. It makes me laugh what a chunker  he is. The upside to him eating everything is I can just tell Raegan "Bubba's going to eat your food". She's still struggling with eating a ton and that will normally get her to eat. So that's a nice incentive. He's still nursing throughout the day and at night too.

Play
He's crawling and standing! Granted he doesn't crawl much, but he will if he needs to get to mama or to take a toy from sister. Tonight Kyle and I witnessed our first fight over a toy. Raegan took his toy and he made the saddest little face and cried and cried. Normally he just finds another toy, but this time he put up a fuss. Sister better watch out. He's going to be bigger than her pretty darn soon!

Extras
He's all about mama lately. It makes for very tiring days. He's only happy if he's being held and that is hard. If I can get him playing happily I have to stay out of the room because as soon as I walk in the tears begin and he just wants to be held.

He also had his first sickness this month. His first ear infection. Him and Rae have been passing a cold back and forth for about 4-5 weeks. He's been miserable. He also was teething too. So he was just a mess, but he just wasn't getting better. I took him in a few weeks before Thanksgiving and she said it was just a cold and teething, but then 2 weeks later he still had it. Mama's intuition said to take him in again. Mama was right. Ear infection. Poor guy.

We also found these adorable milestone cards to help document all the fun and adorable things that he's doing these days because let's be honest, when they are little they are mastering new things every day! I love being able to celebrate those milestones and look back on these adorable pictures and moments that made us smile.

They also include free printables on their site too! You better believe we will be printing off the "my first Christmas card".

Alright, time for the photo dump. Can't believe how much this sweet boy has grown in 8 (almost 9) short months! Time flies. Way too fast.