Well, the panic has set in. I have been fine since the embryo transfer on Saturday, but starting last night, it really started sinking in if this is really going to work.
Should I have pushed harder for doing 2 embryos instead of 1?
Should I be feeling something? People keep asking, "how do you feel?" I always answer "fine", but really what I want to say is "I don't know!! How should I feel?" My last pregnancy I felt nothing besides cramping that I thought was my period but in fact it was implantation cramping. I've been having those cramps again, so I'm hoping that's a good thing.
Should we have put off the embryo transfer and done a FET to allow my body to settle down? I was on the verge of OHSS and with my body in it's crazy hormonal mode, it might not take.
All of these questions were going through my head as I drove home from school today and they just kept rolling around and then it was almost like God said, "Ashley listen to me!" I stopped thinking for a second and heard what was on the radio. My eyes immediately welled up and I felt a sense of peace. The song that was playing was "Lift Me Up" by The Afters and it was exactly what I needed to hear.
You life me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I'm letting go
You lift me up when I can't see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I'm letting go
God knew exactly what I needed to hear. I stopped right then and prayed that He would take away the panic and uneasy feelings and make these next 5 days go by quickly. That's all He calls us to do. He calls us to lay our burdens down at His feet and let him handle them.
So if you are reading this, I would ask you to think about what things are rolling around in your mind right now, whether it is infertility, the loss of a baby, the negative results of a pregnancy test, or something completely different. Take everything that is putting you into a panic and let it go. God's arms are wrapped around us and his loves catches us and we just need to let go. I know it's easier said than done, but you have to start somewhere.
Start letting go.