Wasn't Expecting That

Well I wasn't expecting that.

My period.

For the first time in over a year.

I know it had to come back eventually, but since I'm exclusively pumping I didn't expect it to be until way later or possibly not at all and then I'd be possibly pregnant with our second and begin the amazing cycle of no period for another 9 months.

But what I REALLY didn't expect was the emotional reaction I had to it. After so many negative pregnancy tests and so many periods starting when we were praying and hoping for a pregnancy, that SAME feeling came rushing back when this period started. NOT pregnant is what it screamed. Even though we aren't trying, those feelings still rang true. Defeat, anger, sadness. Why? I don't know.

Maybe it's still a reminder that we can't get pregnant. At least not the traditional way. I guess part of me hopes that we will miraculously get pregnant on our own without IVF. Wishful thinking I guess.

I am so thankful for our little miracle, Raegan, and am not taking away from the fact that she was conceived and we have a beautiful daughter, but I also know that I am not going to invalidate the way I'm feeling. The struggle of infertility doesn't go away even after a baby is born. It is part of our life from now until forever.

Now I'm off to Target to buy the necessities.
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Exactly One Year Ago Today...

I can't believe that it has been 1 year since finding out that our IVF cycle worked and we were pregnant!
I can still remember the emotions like it was yesterday. I woke up at 3am having to pee (good sign right?) and I knew I wanted to test before going in for my beta at the RE's office. But I knew if I peed right then, I wouldn't have to go before Kyle went to work. But I couldn't hold it anymore. So I got up and heard Kyle rustling. I asked if he was awake and when he said yes, I headed to the bathroom to take the test. I decided I needed two tests to make sure. And oh my goodness, those 3 minutes went by so slowly. I was convinced they were going to be negative. I didn't feel any different, no signs of being pregnant. But boy was I wrong! When we saw our beautiful 2 pink lines and a definite yes, I just burst into tears.
It was finally our turn. 

Our turn to make the announcement.

Our turn to hear our baby's heart beat for the first time.

Our turn to have a gender reveal.

Our turn to post weekly belly pictures.

Our turn to plan out the nursery.

Our turn to pick out names.

Our turn to welcome our little miracle into the world.

 We are so blessed by you Raegan Phair. You don't know how incredibly special you are. We can't wait to watch you grow and eventually add more miracles to our family so that you can have brothers and sisters to grow up with. We love you so much, our little sunshine baby!

3 month update

Well I'm 2 weeks over due on Raegan's 3 month update. This is pretty much my life now. Always a few steps behind, but hey, at least it's still getting done! I can't believe how quickly she is growing! I am loving this stage right now. Even though I wish she would start taking longer naps during the day!
 Sweet girl, I can't believe how quickly you are growing! This month has been a big month of changes. You have gotten great head control and I bet you will be sitting up on your own very soon! You have mastered rolling over both ways, but you're not consistent with it yet, so mommy is afraid to let you sleep in your crib just yet.

We have moved you into your bedroom and you sleep in your rock n play. You go down around 8pm and sleep until 8:30am with 2 feedings throughout the night. You also love to get in bed with me at 7:30am and sleep with me until 8:30am. It's one of my favorite times of the day. You don't nap very much during the day, but it must be because you sleep so good at night! Fortunately, the short naps are really all you need because you are one happy baby when you're awake!

Your cleft palate repair was scheduled for October 22, but we decided to postpone the surgery until you are older. Lots of things have come to our attention about you sweet girl and we want whats best for you! You were diagnosed with a mild case of Pierre Robin Sequence and sleep apnea. By waiting until you are older, our hope is that you grow out of both and then when your cleft is closed, it won't be such a strain on your already small airway.

You are crazy skinny and only have rolls on your upper thigh. You didn't get to wear a lot of the summer clothes I bought you since they didn't fit. Maybe your little sister (if you have one) can wear them eventually.

You have recently found your voice and it is so darn cute! You squeal and love to make the "m" sound. You could sit in your crib or swing for hours chewing on your toes and squealing to your hearts content.
Halloween was last week and you dressed up as a mouse and mommy was a cat. You were the cutest mouse I've ever seen!

I love this time of year because of all of the holidays and this year we get to spend them with you! This time last year you had just been put back inside Momma on November 2 and we were in our 2 week wait to see if you were going to stick around. And we are sure glad you did. You make us so incredibly happy sweet girl.

You are our miracle baby for sure!

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