Hadley Elizabeth

I apologize in advance for the ramblings of this post. I am trying to process the 2nd worst day of my life.

We have 4 children.

Something that we always wanted. We wanted to have 4 kids. Little did we know that we would have 2 on earth and 2 in Heaven. A heavy burden I would never wish on anyone.

For those who do not know, we had a loss in July 2013 before getting pregnant with Raegan. I was about 6 weeks along. After that loss our RE said that the embryo was probably unhealthy because of Kyle's diagnosis (story here), which is why IVF was our next step for our family. Fast forward to 2016. We have our beautiful babies from IVF, Raegan (2) and Hudson (9 months).

Then about 6 weeks ago Kyle and I were shocked with a positive pregnancy test. A naturally conceived pregnancy. I am never late. EVER. I knew I was pregnant. I had been feeling off so I took a test on Monday, September 18. It was negative. I don't know why I took a test. I know our chances of naturally conceiving were low, but I just couldn't shake the feeling. Well by Wednesday I was still feeling off and when I took it this time it was positive.

I was shocked. I went in for blood work and got the results back the next day. The levels were low so my doctor said to prepare for a miscarriage. We continued doing more blood work and the numbers continued to grow much to his surprise so we started getting excited that this might actually happen.

Our first sono showed a gestational sac and I was measuring 2 weeks behind where they thought I was. They weren't worried since this was a naturally conceived pregnancy. Maybe I just ovulated late. So we drew blood again. Blood work came back fine so we waited 2 more weeks for the next sono.

At this sono the baby had grown but the heart rate was low. They had me wait one more week for another sono. Unfortunately at that sono, our sweet precious baby was gone. They could see that my body was starting to try and get rid of the baby. A D&C was scheduled. With this being my 2nd loss it is time to find out why. Our first loss happened naturally so they were unable to send the tissue (I hate calling it that, it's my baby) to pathology.

I need to know. I want to know. Why do I continue losing these precious babies when they are naturally conceived, but can carry my IVF babies perfectly fine?

I knew not to get excited. I knew not to plan for this baby. I knew not to think of names. I knew not to plan what room they would be in in our new house. I couldn't help it though. This isn't just a lost pregnancy.

It's the loss of a part of our family. It's a loss of Hudson and Raegan's little sister. Even in the 10 short weeks that she was a part of our lives she made a huge impact. We weren't planning on getting pregnant. We didn't plan to do another IVF transfer until late 2017, but now I can't imagine life without her.

When I woke up on Friday the day of our D&C my Timehop ever so sweetly reminded me that 3 years ago that day we were having our egg retrieval for Raegan's IVF cycle.
Oh the cruel ironic of infertility.

I had received a box of Milestone pregnancy and newborn cards to document our sweet baby's life while she grew in my belly. I was looking through them this morning and came across the "Welcome home little one". I thought I'd be using this card at the end of my pregnancy, not the beginning, but never the less, I find comfort in knowing that Jesus is the one who is saying,
"welcome home little one" to our sweet, Hadley Elizabeth.
We love you sweet girl. Give your big brother a hug for us and we will see you soon.

Hudson {8 months}

Well Hudson turns 9 months tomorrow, so no better time to post his 8 month update right?

weight: 20 pounds

He's still up 2-3 times a night. We are struggling with him peeing out of diaper. I've tried using overnights. I've tried sizing up in the overnights. Nothing works! If I don't change him at least once during the night he will wake up soaked. It's such a pain. I'm hoping we can find a solution soon! He's still nursing at night. I've accepted it. I know it's hard getting up in the middle of the night, but it won't last forever. He loves to nurse. I love to nurse him. If he could just throw me a bone and sleep past 6am then we'd be good!

He loves food. Bottom line. He will eat anything I give him, which shows in his 2 pound gain in 2 months. He's 6 pounds shy of Raegan. It makes me laugh what a chunker  he is. The upside to him eating everything is I can just tell Raegan "Bubba's going to eat your food". She's still struggling with eating a ton and that will normally get her to eat. So that's a nice incentive. He's still nursing throughout the day and at night too.

He's crawling and standing! Granted he doesn't crawl much, but he will if he needs to get to mama or to take a toy from sister. Tonight Kyle and I witnessed our first fight over a toy. Raegan took his toy and he made the saddest little face and cried and cried. Normally he just finds another toy, but this time he put up a fuss. Sister better watch out. He's going to be bigger than her pretty darn soon!

He's all about mama lately. It makes for very tiring days. He's only happy if he's being held and that is hard. If I can get him playing happily I have to stay out of the room because as soon as I walk in the tears begin and he just wants to be held.

He also had his first sickness this month. His first ear infection. Him and Rae have been passing a cold back and forth for about 4-5 weeks. He's been miserable. He also was teething too. So he was just a mess, but he just wasn't getting better. I took him in a few weeks before Thanksgiving and she said it was just a cold and teething, but then 2 weeks later he still had it. Mama's intuition said to take him in again. Mama was right. Ear infection. Poor guy.

We also found these adorable milestone cards to help document all the fun and adorable things that he's doing these days because let's be honest, when they are little they are mastering new things every day! I love being able to celebrate those milestones and look back on these adorable pictures and moments that made us smile.

They also include free printables on their site too! You better believe we will be printing off the "my first Christmas card".

Alright, time for the photo dump. Can't believe how much this sweet boy has grown in 8 (almost 9) short months! Time flies. Way too fast.

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